Once again I woke up at the break of dawn. I watched the sunrise through my window. Shivered, soaked in sweat. Yet another restless night, yet another dream... My body is weak, my stomach upset, I can barely eat. But most of all the anxiety is a daily torment. I feel my heart racing in my chest, the fear closing in on me. No matter how often I try to run and hide from it, it doesn´t seem to work.
But I need to keep walking...
- Location:home
- Mood:
tired
Well actually I don't drink alcohol because of my meds and I just don't like coffee. Simple as that really... though somehow a big shocker to my family. We had a family party last night and they were all pretty much drunk except for me of course. At one point I wanted to go to bed, my energy level has increased after I had quit my job but with 3 to 4 hours of sleep each night it's still pretty damn low. So around 11 I decided that I want to get some rest. Also I had a mayor headache because of all the cigarette smoke. However my two aunts and my uncle decided that I shouldn't go to bed yet and demanded that I'd stay put. I, of course refused, however they were drunk, you know how it goes. So at one point I got mad at them, yelled at them that I just wanted to go to bed and walked away. At least that worked.
So what has been going on lately? Well let's see: I have some really bitchy assignments for therapy, starting a group therapy soon as well. School starts next September. And I often feel like crap and a lot of my old friends no longer talk to me. Which is something that really bothers me... It's true that when times get rough you see who your real friends are. Still hurts like hell though.
But alas, I try to be a good friend for those I still have left. (even you Dodo) For at least a know from them that they're still loyal and will remain loyal.
Further more, I'm rather worried about my dog, he's been acting weird for a couple of weeks now, I guess you can somewhat blame it on the heat but I'll keep a close eye on him. (pretty easy because he always stalks me)
For now I'm going to think of a birthday present, still need to think of something to ask from my parents and my birthday is next tuesday... better hurry up!
Tomorrow I'm going to bake pie though, chocolat pie with strawberries on top!
*hugs* for the people who actually read this LJ.
- Location:home
- Mood:
blah
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Never let it fade away
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket
Save it for a rainy day.
I wonder if the sky isn’t empty by now with the amount of stars I could use sometimes. So I haven’t updated in a while. I guess I just didn’t feel like writing everything down, so much has happened. And most of all, I’m just so tired…
I know now that whenever I’m in a comfy place I could immediately fall asleep and yet I sleep only 3 hours each night. I hate these nightmares; I hate how they wake me up in the middle of the night feeling miserable and lonely. I just want to get some rest. But in the mean time little Blue is still driving me insane…
Insanity…
It almost seems tempting to just go to an asylum, just to get some rest.
…Perhaps I just need a vacation…badly… I’ve lost all my control and all of my confidence. The only thing I have is the little sparkle of hope I hold on too, a fool’s hope perhaps. But something I can hold on too.
For the past month I have been living on Golden Power mostly, the energy drink helped me stay awake during the day and helped me stay focused for a bit at work. But my mom thinks it’s chemical junk so she threw everything out… The next day at work I zoned out a lot, nearly passed out when I had to walk to the copying machine. It was such a lovely day…
Also I’ve cut myself again, I guess at one point the temptation was just too much. Well if every night your emotional side screams that you should kill yourself because there’s no hope left then you start believing it after a while.
But there’s still a little bit of hope left and I will hold on to it… I have to…
- Mood:
depressed
Yes
What do you hear right now?
Tv
Where's your phone right now?
Next to me on the windowsill.
How are you feeling?
Exhausted, had several breakdowns today.
Have you kissed anyone in the past 2 days?
No
Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them?
No
Who is the last guy you talked to?
John
Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes?
Yes!
Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
Morning
Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Yes, whispers in the dark
Do you believe in forever?
Not really
Has someone ever made you a promise & broke it?
yes
Do you like your name?
I have a last name which no one can spell right but I kinda like it..
When was the last time you were on the phone after 1AM?
Never...
Have you ever hugged a complete stranger?
No
Tell me about the shirt you're wearing?
Black, long sleeves.
Where do you want to be right now?
Somewhere far away from reality, but not my dreams, they always turn into nightmares.
Are you someone who worries too often?
Definitely
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
No
How late did you stay up last night and why?
Half past 9, exhausting, didn't sleep till 12 though.
Do you think your first love affects the way you go on with life?
Funny...
Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?
My stupid mistake...
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
I guess
What was the last thing you drank?
Golden Power, need to stay awake...
Has anyone disappointed you lately?
Yes
What is something you hate?
Arrogant, lazy and tardy people
Are you named after one of your parents or grand parents?
Yes middle name after my grandma
Are you wearing any clothes that doesn' t belong to you?
No
Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hated?
Yes
What are you doing besides this survey?
Nothing
Do you know anyone who is pregnant?
no
Are you keeping a secret right now?
Yes, though not from everybody
Is there anyone you want to come see you?
Leila
What are your plans for the weekend?
Might go visit my sister and a hockeymatch.
Are you a bad influence?
I don't think so...
What was the last thing you heard?
Paco coming home.
Do you think / know anyone has feelings for you?
In like love? No
Who was the first person you talked to today?
My mom
Are you a forgiving person?
Depends on the crime.
When is the next time you will kiss someone?
No idea...
Someone asks you on a date, where do you wanna go?
Restaurant or something, a nice place.
You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get?
Ears I guess.
What does your last text in your inbox say?
It's from my dad, it says: "I love you and I have faith in you, have a nice day. Love dad."
Last thing someone bought for you?
Bath gel from Italy I believe...
Does anyone know your password besides you?
Leila and my parents
Who do you not get along with?
Arrogant and stupid people.
Did you have a good birthday last year?
Yeah it was nice.
Last person you texted?
My dad saying thank you
Are you busy tomorrow?
Work and therapy... yeah pretty much.
Are you mad at someone right now?
No not really, when do I ever get mad.
What do you always carry with you?
Phone, wallet, mp3 player.
When was the last time you cried really badly?
This morning, an hour ago, yesterday, take your pick.
Think of the last person who said 'I love you' , do you think they meant it?
Yes I think my dad meant that.
One thing you're looking forward to?
Going to Disneyland in June.
Where is the next place you will travel to?
Heerhugowaard for work, or Amsterdam for therapy.
What do you think about when you first go to bed?
About my day.
- Mood: depressed
Little blue lives in the darkness. White tried to give him light, a way of hope. But today I realized that Blue doesn't need light, he's afraid of it in a way. He doesn't want to be seen. When he could be seen he could be harmed, he's so scared...
He went insane today, he became somewhat of a masochist. It was terrifying... He wanted to feel the pain, so it would kill him. He wished for a quick and painful death. He said that he had no other choice, he wanted to get rid of everything but he couldn't turn back. So he wanted to make an end to it.
It took me a while before I realized that he was trying to send me a message. He had no hope of this working out okay, because I was missing something very important. His life is the darkness.
Now I just need to find a way to get him out of there, because it's easy to hide but it doesn't help you to get better.
But how can I help?
How...
- Mood: sad
I'm a controlfreak, I've been that for a long time. And now... now I'm lost, no control whatsoever, complete darkness. Now I'm probably also going to lose my job because of that stupid financial crisus... I joke about it, but I hate it to be honest. At least that job gave me some form of certainty, now I have to find a new one again.
And therapy? Well my therapist suggested that I should go to grouptherapy as well, and some sort of defendclass... More therapy... less time... I feel like I'm suffocating.
I need to breathe, I need to get out! I need to leave for a while... but I can't... now that I'm probably losing my job, money is going to be a problem again for a while.
The 7th of February I'm going to Amsterdam to check out a college... I still don't know what I'm supposed to do about that now. The panicattacks are getting worse, I often cry at night. Or I start shaking out of fear... It's just that... well... I see no way out... I'm stuck inside my own web...
I need help... and fast! I'm losing it...
- Location:Home
- Mood: depressed
1. Song that always makes you sad? Perfect- Simple Plan
2. Last thing you bought?: Professor Layton and the curious village
3. Last person you argued with?: My dad
4. Do you put Butter before putting the jelly on?: No
5. One of your stuffed animals: Mr. Jansen
6. Did you ever own at one time a Nysnc Cd?: No
7. Favorite day of the week?: Friday
8. Favorite Sundae topping?: Chocolate sauce
9. Did you take Piano lessons?: No, only a bit at school.
10. Most frequent song played?: Prince of Egypt- Deliver us
11. T.V. show you secretly enjoy? Totally Spies XD
12. Would you rather play basketball or hockey?: Hockey, I play fieldhockey ^^
13. Date someone older or younger?: Older I think...
14. One place you could travel right now?: New-Zealand
15. Do you use umbrellas?: Sometimes
16. Do you know all the words to the Canadian national anthem? : No, not really... don't even know their anthem XD
17. Favorite Cheese?: Mozzarella
18. Disturbed or My Chemical Romance?: neither
19. Do you prefer Blondes or Brunettes?: I like both
20. Best job you ever had?: ... uhm... I think at the pettingzoo, or my internship at a pre-school, first internship that is.
21. did you go to your high school prom?: Yes
22. perfect time to wake up?: Around 7
23. perfect time to go to bed?: Between 10 and 10:30
24. do you use your queen right away in chess? No never
25. Ever been in a car accident?: Yes, twice.
26. closer to mom or dad...or neither?: My mom
27. what age is this exciting life over for you? Uhm...
28. what decade during the 20th century would you have chosen to be a teenager? : 60s-70s, flowerpower! XD Must have been fun. Make love not war darling!
29. Favorite shoes you have EVER owned? : Arabian ballerinas, Macs
30. Do you have an article of clothing you have had since you were in high school? Yes
31. Were you in track and field? : Yes
32. Were you ever in a school talent show? : Yes
33. Have you ever written in a library book? : Yes when I was little, it was a puzzlebook.
34. Allergic to? : Smoke
35. Favorite fruit? : Banana!
36. Have you watched sex and the city? Yeah it's alright.
37. Baseball hat or toque? : What's a toque? A baseball hat...
38. Do you shampoo first in the shower or soap? : Shampoo
39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste? : Wet
40. Pen or pencil? Depends on if I'm drawing or writing.
41. Have you ever gambled at a casino? : Yes
42. Have you thrown up on a plane? : No
43. Have you thrown up in a car? Yes
44. Have you thrown up at work? : No
45. Do you scream on roller coasters? Yes
46. Who was your first prom date? : My friends ^^
47. Who was your first roommate? : no one
48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time?: Lots and lots of flugel
49. What was your first job? Babysitting
50. What was your first car? : I don't have a car.
51. When did you go to your first funeral? 1997, my grandpa
52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? Still living in my hometown.
53. Who was your first grade teacher? Miss Carolien
54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? When I was 8.
55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? I don't think I ever did.
56. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them? Fiore and no I'm no longer friends with her, haven't spoken to her in more than 7 years.
57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents : I'm still living with my parents
58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? Leila, though I often just talk to her on MSN.
59. Who is your best friend : Leila
60. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Check the time
61. What was the first concert you attended? uhm... good question ^^
62. First tattoo or piercing? : Ears
63. First celebrity crush? Gareth Gates... I know it's very sad...
- Mood: bored
There are these days when your mind is so full that every normal thing you do like a zombie. My mind is so full of thoughts that I just can’t seem to focus. So many questions…
What will I study next year and where?
Will I even be able to with therapy and all?
How long can I still control myself so I won’t start SI-ing?
Why is the urge to SI getting bigger and bigger?!
Why am I scared of so many things?
When will I ever get rid of this?
Why do I have this weird headache and dizziness?
When will those nightmares go away?
Does it ever get any better?
I guess I could go on about this for hours. These are just a few questions which came into mind. You could say I feel somewhat lost…
This fight seems pointless. What have I accomplished over the past year? Perhaps a slightly better bond with my dad… That took me one year of therapy… Wow… let’s now take on the rest of men in the world, my trust issues, and my sensitivity. How long will that take? Let’s just say infinity and beyond would be an understatement…
Oh and not to forget I still can’t become angry… or scream… or actually stand up for myself. I didn’t even get angry with those people who sexually assaulted me. I somewhat pity them and I wonder what there lives must have looked like that they would do such a thing. I mean what kind of insane teenager (20 years old) when you and your group of friends decide to feel up an 8 year old girl? What kind of education or even morals do these teens have? I wonder…
And what could have triggered a 50/60 year old man to feel up a 15 year old girl? What kind of life has he known? If I only knew…
- Mood: sleepy
Every single time someone hurts me I don't get mad, I just get really sad. I guess it's like all the power in my body to become mad disappears.
I try to yell. I used to be really good at it. Now I'm not anymore. I just can't make a sound like that anymore, like my voice is blocked.
So now i tried some vocal exercises... they're working a little bit...
- Mood:
confused
Last year was quite the bumpy road, it was a year of disappointments and new beginnings, a year of fighting for happiness.
January: I officially start my hypnosis therapy. It was harder than I imagined. It was also a stressful month because I had to finish all kinds of reports on paper and video. It turned out ok. I also started teaching at a new primary school. I really disliked the teacher of my new class, she was more like a sergeant in the army... Those poor kids. I also came to the conclusion that the Pabo wasn't the right thing for me. History came into mind but I still don't know for sure. Told my parents I wanted to change schools, they said it was okay. Also told the teacher of that new primary school.
February: In the week my parents went skiing, L came over to sorta babysit me. It's not that I can't take care of myself, I was just emotionally a bit confused so it was better if someone was there with me before I would start SI-ing again.
March: I passed the final part of a tough exam of my school, as one of the only two people who actually passed that test. I was one of the smartest girls of my class without actually doing something for it. I have a great memory...
April: Started to get a great bond with the kids at my placing, however still had some difficulties with the actual teacher because I was supposed to learn how to teach those kids everything but she never had time for me. Rather annoying really.
May: Went on a vacation with 4 friends, it was one of the most awesome weeks I've ever had! It was a week full of fun, practical jokes, swimming and staring at the sunset and sunrise. That was actually one of the best moments I had last year. Sitting on a small beach of a lake staring at the sunset. Birds floathing on the water and just a lovely peace and quiet around. I was sitting there together with L. just enjoying the scenery and the peace. We decided to watch the sunrise as well next morning, though it wasn't as beautiful and peaceful unfortunately.
June: After a couple of emotional breakdowns, a few times of crying at school. Once for example when my mom and sister got into a carcrash. And just the burden that I had because of my therapy. At one point I got kicked out of school because even though I could make it based on knowledge they wouldn't give me my first year diploma (which I need to go to a university) because even though I had everything you needed for it, they said I wasn't emotionally okay. That was just great for my self-esteem.
July: Turned 18, yay me... A few days later I had to fly alone for the first time, it went okay even though I was absolutely terrified. Played a lot of Golf in Scotland, it was fun, I'm quite good at it. After that I stayed for a week at L's place to babysit her this time. Well mostly actually because it's fun. Also I started looking for a job, because I decided to work for the next schoolyear.
August: Went to London with my sis, it was fun. I also heard I was hired at the ING bank, where I work right now.
September: More work and more therapy... and the plan to go back to the place where it all happened.
October: Went to Belgium for the first time, it was difficult but it went okay, after that L stayed over for a few days because I would have been home alone otherwise. Not really a good idea after quite an emotional experience. Start of nightmares every night.
November: Work, work and more work. Addition of a few emotional breakdowns here and there make the perfect recipe for an unhappy girl. Started a second therapy, called artistic therapy.
December: Kerstklaas, Christmas, work, vacation and new year's eve at L's house. Got sleepingpills because of nightmares.
The last few months mostly revolved around emotional breakdowns, feeling depressed and therapy. Except for December because of the holidays and L trying her best to make me happy again.
Now what do I face in 2009? More changes, more fighting but always with the love of my friends and family. Thank you guys! Now more than ever I know how many people are hoping that I will get my life back and track and be happy again. And so do I...
- Location:home
- Mood:
hopeful
Therapy:
I quit my artistic therapy. I already had some questions when it comes to the methods my therapist uses. For example when you paint a tree you need to feel inside how it grows. I guess I just don't really believe in that stuff. And when I got the bill of that therapist and realised that one session costs 53 euro, I was rather shocked. That's a lot of money for an hour of painting. Plus my insurance company only pays back 200 euro a year because it's a special kind of therapy. I have that therapy next to my other therapy every week. It's quite a lot of money I'll be spending on something when it's not even sure if it'll work.
On the other hand, I really do need help. I don't really know if I even have the right to quite something which might help me. Because I could use every possible help... if it's really working... which of course I don't know... God this sucks.
Friends:
Haven't seen them in quite some time actually, okay Tim came over two days ago so we could play on my Wii against Natasja. He told me he went out clubbing and met some new guys. A while ago he came out of the closet so I'm happy for him that he finally found someone, I don't really know how difficult that is when you're gay. Anyways, going to Leila tomorrow for New Year's eve. Looking forward to that, still need to bake waffles though... I promised her I would bring some.
Family:
Well... it's strange... I just got into another fight with my dad and he called me things I won't repeat here. It's weird though, either it's going really great or we're fighting. I actually have that with my entire family. My moods have kinda been switching from one thing to another lately.
Health:
I got those pills, can only have one every week. At first that pissed me off but L talked to me about it. Saying that 1 good night could really help you. It did... I slept for 11 hours. Too bad those pills have some nasty side-effects. The feeling of wanting to SI is getting worse, perhaps it's because of the fights, and because of the fact that I'm a bit confused... I don't really know.
Well that was your update... if there's actually anyone who reads this... doubtful really.
- Mood: blank
RULES
? You must fill out EVERY question! No skipping!
--1st part----
ARE YOU?
1. Perfect?
No, nobody is perfect.
2. Tall?
No
3. In your pajamas?
No, I’m at work.
4. Left handed?
Yes
LAST:
1. Friend you saw :
Hm… last friend I saw must be Leila last week.
2. Talked to on the phone :
Uhm… also Leila last night
3. Person to text you:
My sister Laura.
4. Was today better than yesterday?
Uhm… not really.
FAVORITES:
1. Number: 7
2. Color(s): blue
3. Fruit: Banana
4. Place: A small lake in Kaatsheuvel and the beach
EIGHT EMOTIONS:
1. Are you missing someone right now?
Yes anger
2. Are you happy?
Not really
3. Are you sad?
Yes
4. Are you bored?
Yes
6. Are you nervous?
No
8. Are you tired?
Yes
ABOUT YOU:
1. Real name?
Eline
2. Nick names?
Lien
3. Eye color?
Chocolate Brown
4. Zodiac sign?
Cancer
5. Male or female?
Female.
6. Slut?
No.
7. Smart?
I think so…
8. Hair color?
Dark blonde/brown
9. Long or short?
Semi
10. Sweats or Jeans?
Sweats
11. Phone or Camera?
both
12. Drink or Smoke?
Drink
14. Righty or lefty?
lefty
---2nd part---
FIRSTS:
1. First best friend?
Fiore
2. first crush?
Christiaan
3. First pet?
Amon
4. First big vacation?
Uhm… went skiing in Switserland when I was a little baby… okay not really skiing, was too little for that.
CURRENTLY:
1. Eating? Brownies ^^
2. Drinking? Water
3. I'm about to: Play a game with co-workers
4. Listening to? People talking on the radio
5. Plans for today: Pack my suitcase.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
1. Shorter or taller? Taller
2. Romantic or spontaneous? Both
3. Sensitive or loud? Sensitive
4. Hook-up or relationship? Relationship
HAVE YOU EVER:
1. Drank bubbles? Yes
2. Lost glasses/contacts? Yes
3. Ran away from home? No, well maybe for two hours
4. Broken someone's heart? Yes…
5. Been arrested? No
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
1. Miracles? Half
2. Yourself? Not really
3. Heaven? I think reincarnation would make more sense then… not sure though… would be kinda crowded in hell.
4. Santa Claus? Santa Claus is coming to town.
4. Love? I don’t know.
5. Do you like someone? Not as in love.
6. Do you believe in God? I do believe something is out there...
7. Answered the truth on all questions? Yes
Q: What was the first thing you did this morning when you got up?
A: Had a shower
Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
A: A lot actually
Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: No reservations
Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: Work… or London if we’re talking about a vacation.
Q. Do you smile a lot?
A: Sometimes
Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: Sometimes
Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: Depends
Q: Where did you sleep last night?
A: In my bed
Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: Last night
Q: What was your last thought before going to sleep last night?
A: Fuck
Q: Rate life as of right now one being bad ten being great?
A: 2
Q: What do you hear right now?
A: Radio
Q: Does anything hurt right now?
A: My eye
Q: What's your favorite month ?
A: July
Q: What did you do last night?
A: Stare at the ceiling, had a weird dream, stare at the ceiling again, had a breakdown, had another weird dream. That was about it.
College: Yeah I got kicked out of that because I was too emotional at school... I cried twice. Now I don't really know what to do, history perhaps. But I'm still not sure. What if I'll get too 'emotional' again. Turning into a freaking emo here anyway...
Body: Where to begin. Let's see I'm fat. I don't give a shit about that though, I don't want to look good. My sisters look good and they get bothered by perverted older men a lot, I don't want that! Plus I cut myself, mostly in a quite desperate mood to get rid of my pain... like right now. Okay trying to focus.
Love: I don't even know love. I can't love, not in that way atleast. I can love my family and friends but nothing more, I can't trust a person enough for that...
I guess you could say that I'm fortunate to have some nice family and friends, I'm grateful for them. I just fucked up the rest.
Wow... ain't I awesome...
- Location:Home
- Mood:
cynical - Music:none
Yesterday I had therapy again. It went like this: I entered the room, I sat down on my usual spot on the couch and I started crying. I told her in between sobs that I was so tired, I already cancelled last week because of that and I had the urge to cancel again but I knew I couldn’t. After I calmed down, we continued talking. We talked for about an hour, about why I was so tired and also trying to find solutions that will keep me calm when I wake up in the middle of the night. Nothing more then the casual warm milk and think of happy things really…
She’s going to call my doctor, mostly because she sees how crappy I look so she’s going to either find a sleeping pill that will work for me or Prozac to stop me from being so scared and freaking out at night. I don’t know if you can really call it fear though, just insecurity mostly. Or perhaps it’s a fear after all, a fear of what is yet to come. I’m not really sure…
I hate pills, I really do, but I guess I’m rather desperate now. I feel so weak at the moment, tomorrow morning I already half fell asleep at work, now is really no different from that. My eyes hurt, my eyelids feel heavy and they’re dry because of all the staring at a computer screen. Apparently you blink less then so they start to hurt. Great huh?
I already had my first can of Golden Power during breakfast so that should help me stay awake for at least a couple of hours, the next one is already on my desk. This is going to be a long day…
---later that day---
Okay it is a long day, my eyes still hurt like hell and I'm boring myself with a stupid game on the computer. Trying to beat the highscore of my co-worker... *yawn* Time for the next can of GP. Maybe it'll help me wake up. Have to say goodbye to a girl I work with soon because she's leaving for South-Africa soon. It's the last day I'll see her. We already had a goodbye dinner last tuesday, that was quite fun actually. Went to a little bar where we played a few cardgames, after that we had dinner in a nice little restaurant. I went home exhausted but quite content.
--evening--
Just got home, after work I went to a restaurant with my dad, we were both too tired to cook so we decided to go to Babylon, a nice little restaurant in the town next to ours. It was nice though, bit crowded but the food was good. Those things of therapy are still on my mind. I hate it...
Just read Dodo's post, tried to help her by letting her know that I was there, ironic though that I'm still SI-ing sometimes myself, I just don't tell anyone anymore. It doesn't happen that often anymore though, now I just cry a lot actually...
Well that was all for today I guess...
- Location:Home
- Mood: exhausted
- Music:Audio of Friends
That evening I had to put everything off (tv/laptop) an hour before I would go to sleep. It already annoys the hell out of me because I get bored but I also felt sorry for L because I was at her place and she always has her laptop and tv on. She tried to cheer me up, which most of the times worked fortunately.
Funny thing was, I hardly slept that night, even though I was tired, -really- tired. I asked for those sleepingpills but I can't have them because the doctor says because of the hypnosis in my therapy I can't use them. Because then I would drug my brain to calm them down and force them to be active again under hypnosis, that would seriously fuck them up and make me go insane. So now I have the choice of making myself go insane by lack of sleep or by a braincrash... Wow... Insanity here I come.
Saturday started out fine, was up really early, played Almia most of the morning, waiting for L to wake up. She did after a while. We went to the store to get some alcohol for that evening. After we had done that I had to go home to walk with my dog, after that I took a shower and quickly got dressed again to cycle back to L again. (Distance about 7 miles) Because of my lack of energy I was completely exhausted and freezing when I finally got there. I quickly crawled underneath the blankets and tried to get warm again. I closed my eyes for a bit untill it was time for dinner, using L as a pillow as usual, I like using her as a pillow ^^ After that it was time for the party.
I liked the party, it was only too bad that the party got divided in two, well two groups of people actually. Rather annoying really but unavoidable because one group was talking about a certain person who some people of the group really hate. So it was either split or get in an arguement. The movie was nice, I picked it, most of the people liked it I think. It's called 'Corpse Bride' and if you haven't seen it yet, I advice you to see it.
Sunday I went home again. Do to certain events with a gameshark I bought I got a little bit pissed. I felt like yelling though I didn't, I never do. You see I'm such a person who always needs control, I already know that I can sob uncontrollably, but the thing I can control is my anger. I have an enormous patience with people. L made me promise that I'm going to yell the next time she's here for a week and we're home alone. I'm actually really scared of that because I like that control, I need that control. I'm afraid that I'll break open all the emotion I so carefully tried to hide over the past years. I'm scared that it will all just be a blast of emotions and that I'll lose all possible control... But most of all I'm afraid that it'll hurt me too much. I don't know how much more pain I can take...
- Location:Home
- Mood: worried
- Music:audio of the tv
I'm exhausted right now. I feel like I can fall down any moment now, fortunately I'm lying in my bed so I guess that it's pretty much impossible. At work I'm still holding up the act that everything is perfectly fine, that I'm not feeling weak and broken. It takes more and more effort to keep up with that act. Sometimes my co-workers want to go out drinking and I know I don't have the energy for that. I also know that I shouldn't drink because I'm already rather weak... I came to the conclusion that drinking is very bad then.
I guess you could say that I'm a bit lost. My life is being controlled by my therapies now and I hate it...
- Location:Home
- Mood: sad
- Music:none
Now I'm at home with two blankets wrapped around me, my mom has been quiet all afternoon, trying to give me some rest. She says that I should think about staying home tomorrow as well. I don't know if I'll do that.
I feel so tired... exhausted... and sad.
For now I'll just lie in my bed and watch some tv... I really don't have anything better to do anyway...
- Location:In my bed
- Mood: tired
- Music:Audio of the tv.
I was walking through the dead factory, surrounded by the darkness, I called out for little blue. There was no response. I called again but still there was no response.
When I turned around the corner I found him, dangling a couple of feet above the ground. He had hung himself... I was so scared that I woke up immediately. It was 3 o'clock, I had only slept for two houres.
Little blue was supposed to be standing for my emotions, but you can't kill them, right? Well of course you can't else I wouldn't have cried again today. It killed something much more important to me... hope.
When I saw him hanging there and also during the rest of the night and day as the image haunted my mind I felt like all my hope was slowly disappearing. It was like my dream was trying to make it clear to me that it's impossible to win this battle... I don't know...
I did a test at work today, it was to check if you have a burnout... I answered all the questions honestly and it turns out I have an extreme burnout and should definitely stay home for a while and have some rest... to bad that I can't. There was another test on there, it was to see if you're depressed. Out of boredom I decided to do that one as well... I got about the highest score possible and the advice was that I should've gone to a shrink long ago... I'm really getting good grades today huh.
Well I managed to get through this day somehow, even though I was even more exhausted than usual. Two houres of sleep is really bad for me.
My parents asked me why I was so down today, I told them that I had a nightmare about little blue. They asked who he was. I was shocked, I thought they knew. Apparently I've never told them while I think I did... My mind must really be playing games with me today.
It's time for bed, let's hope tonight I'll get more than two houres of sleep... goodnight everyone.
- Location:Home
- Mood: Breaking down...
- Music:Skillet- Whispers in the dark
---------------LAST PERSON WHO--------------
x. Slept in your bed: Me
x. Saw you cry: My mom, this morning.
x. Made you cry: Me, I make myself cry… ain’t I awesome.
x. You shared a drink with: Sharing a drink? I think Tas, not sure though.
x. You went to the movies with: My aunt and uncle, the last Indiana Jones movie.
x. You went to the mall with: My mom and my sisters.
x. Yelled at you: My sister.
x. Sent you an email: Live Journal, comment.
-----------------HAVE YOU EVER---------------
x. Have you ever liked someone who didn't like you? Yes
x. Said "I love you" and meant it? Yes, quite a lot actually.
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: Nah I don’t fight with my sweety.
x. Been to California: No
x. Been to Hawaii: No
x. Been to Mexico: No
x. Been to China: No
x. Been to Canada: Yes
x. Danced naked: In the bathroom ^^;
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day? No
x. Do you have a crush on someone: No, not at the moment.
x. What book are you reading now: The tales of Beedle the Bard
x. Worst feeling in the world: Being alone and scared.
x. Future son's name: Uhm… I like the name Hirou but it’s not really Dutch… I also like Damian… same problem.
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Mr. Jansen, Giggle, Pink Pony and Teddy.
x. What's under your bed: A lot… including the underworld *nods*
x. Favorite sport to watch: figure-skating and fieldhockey.
x. Siblings: 2 older sisters
x. Location: Work
x. College plans: History
x. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: No
------------------------EXTRA STUFF---------------------
x. Do you do drugs: No
x. Do you drink: Sometimes
x. What are you most scared of: intimacy, that it’ll happen again, losing those who are dear to me.
x. Where do you want to get married: Near a lake.
x. Who do you really hate: Nobody…
x. Been in Love: Guess not.
x. Do you drive: No
x. Do you have a job: Yes
x. Do you like being around people: Depends on the people around me.
-------------- S P E C I F I C S -------------------
What kind of shampoo do you use? Brilliant Brunette
What are you listening to right now: The silence of my office…
Who is the last person that called you? Leila
How many buddies are online right now? Not on MSN
------------- F A V O R I T E S -----------------
Foods: Italian and Greek
Girls name: Maya
Boys names: Hirou/ Damian
Subjects in school: History and Geography
Animals: Dogs and Horses
------------------ R A N D O M ---------------------
In the morning I: wake up?
All you need is: Friends
Love is: …
I dream about: A dead factory (last nights dream)
Playing with: My Wii?
What do you notice first in the opposite sex you're into: the smile
Coke or Pepsi: Coke
flowers or candy: both?
--------------- W H O ---------------
Makes you laugh the most: Leila and Tas
Makes you smile: Leila and Tas
-------------- D O | Y O U | E V E R -----------------
Sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you? No, then I just start talking.
Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: No, I don’t mind being a girl.
Wish you were younger: Younger and careless perhaps, though I don’t mind really, I’m only 18.
Cried because someone said something to you?: Quite a lot actually.
----------------- N U M B E R --------------
Of scars on your body: 8… or more…hockey ^^
- Location:Work
- Mood: bored
- Music:Radio
Sometimes I think I'm troubling my friends too much with all my problems. My mood can switch from goofy happy to breakdown sad within seconds really. My friends seem to take it well though I often feel like a burden to them. I love my friends and I don't want to lose them so I try not to trouble them too much with my issues. One friend however always knows when something is wrong and she used to force me in a gentle way to tell her. I know I needed that because I tend to crawl into a corner instead of talking about my problems.
Now she no longer has to force me, I gave up on hiding everything from her, she still needs to ask though, it's only on a very rare occasion that I start talking about it.
Now she just got a new cellphone and she was looking for a song that she could use as a ringtone. So after about a week of looking for a song she found one. It's called Whispers in the Dark. When I read the lyrics I was touched, she said that every single word of that song was true. Only the fact that it says crimson roses and my favorite flowers are white roses. But it really made me happy beyond my imagination. Maybe just because it was so sweet.
I often ask her if I'm not just being a pain in the ass with all my issues. She always tells me that I'm not. Though I remain afraid of becoming that because I would never want to lose her. Like I said before I don't want to lose my friends.
Getting once again such a clear sign that I won't lose her just makes me happy, goofy happy.
Now most of you probably don't know the song, neither did I. So here are the lyrics!
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is
Just waiting
To turn your tears to roses
I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is
A burning, consuming fire
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No
You'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear my whispers in the dark
You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay here broken and naked
My love is
Just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses
I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is
A burning, consuming fire
Now I'm off to enjoy my goofy happiness and probably hug my big pink pony plushie to death. Wow, the person who gave that to me will be so happy about that. Somehow I think she fears pink ponies ^^
Goodnight everybody!
- Location:Home
- Mood: goofy happy
- Music:Within Temptation- Jillian
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